Through the years, Fridays on this blog have been a way for me to show you — my clients, friends and family — a small glimpse into my personal life, a peek into the precious little girl and loving husband who inspire me every day to truly document life’s smaller moments — passages in time that might otherwise slip by. As parents, we come to realize the smallest of moments are the ones we often treasure most. It’s the way Gracey wraps her tiny arms so tightly around my legs. It’s her true happiness as she plays outside with “puppy.” Or how she snuggles on the floor with Daddy and reads just one more book. The photos I take for Friday’s Frame are a constant reminder to thank God for how full my heart actually is.
I’ve shared the stories of Gracey time and time again, and today, I’d like to introduce you to two more pieces of my heart. 🙂
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Gracey sat patiently on Tommy’s lap. I entered the ultrasound room, gave one look to the sonographer and said, “I never felt this nauseous when I was pregnant with Gracey.” The technician gave me a sympathetic smile and said, “That’s normal, every pregnancy is different.”
She began the ultrasound. I held my breath and stared at our beautiful little Gracey Girl, happy as can be on Daddy’s lap. I thought about the day two years ago — in that very same room — when we were told a miscarriage was likely. I glanced up at the screen. All I needed was a heartbeat. I looked at the sonographer’s face — every ounce of her expression suddenly fell flat. There’s no heartbeat, I thought to myself. My chest tightened, I could feel tears welling in my eyes.
“Is this a natural pregnancy?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said, still considering the worst.
“Well,” she continued, “I have some very exciting news for you. There are two heartbeats in there!”
She flipped the screen around and at that moment, our lives froze. Twins, two beating hearts. Two precious little souls. It was the last thing I expected and yet, everything I could have ever asked for. I looked at Tommy, looked at Gracey, glanced at the screen … and then I cried. Not just tears in my eyes, but balled. Hysterically. Excitement, anxiety, happiness, fear. I thought of my brother and his wife, who lost a twin before my nephew was born. I prayed for the pain they must have felt, I prayed for our babies and I thanked God for giving us such a life-changing moment.
***
The weeks and months passed by. Beyond the nausea, I was doing really well. We made our appointment for the anatomy scan — at approximately 19 weeks, we went in to the specialist to see our two precious babies for maybe the fourth or fifth time. Tommy and I sat through a two-hour detailed ultrasound and discovered we are having two boys. 🙂 We laughed, smiled, talked light-heartedly with the sonographer and as soon as she was done, we waited to see the doctor. We held hands and thanked God for two healthy babies. Minutes later, we were taken into a smaller room where the doctor came in to meet with us both. It was then I heard the words I will never forget.
“We found a few issues on the ultrasound,” the doctor said as she let out a sigh. I looked at Tommy, gave him a complete look of confusion, hurt, pain. The doctor went on to tell us the issues they were seeing — enlarged kidneys and cysts on the babies’ brains — were considered soft markers for genetic problems, such as Down syndrome and Trisomy 18. Baby B also had what appeared to be a small bleed on his brain. Tears filled my eyes. I blankly stared at a painting on the wall. The doctor attempted to reassure us everything might still be OK.
“I’m sorry, don’t cry,” she said as she handed me a tissue. “I wish I could come in here and tell you the ultrasound was text book perfect, but that simply isn’t the case.”
Tommy and I then spoke with a genetic counselor, who recommended a noninvasive blood test (MaterniT21), which would tell us with more than 99 percent accuracy whether our babies had genetic issues. I agreed and was sent down to the lab. We’d have the results in 7-10 days. They scheduled me for weekly ultrasounds to monitor the brain bleed, and we were on our way.
As Tommy and I walked out to our car, he was the strong one. The optimistic one. The one who told me everything would be fine. We sat in the parking garage, holding hands, and I continued to cry. How could I ever wait a week for the test results. Why is our baby’s brain bleeding. How could God let us think we had two perfectly healthy babies, only to steal our joy minutes later. Doesn’t He know this is my biggest fear.
“Through our weaknesses, or fears, is how God shows us his unimaginable power,” my brother, Andy, said to me that evening. Those words, along with the words of our parents, close family members and friends, as well as a strong faith, helped us find peace in the following days and weeks. Specialists at Children’s Hospital, Froedtert and Waukesha Memorial discussed what was causing the brain bleed and why it was there. We went through more testing and were scheduled for a fetal MRI.
Exactly seven days after my blood draw, we received our results from the genetic testing — the results were negative, or normal. We couldn’t have been more thankful. I felt an immense level of joy but also a huge sense of compassion and understanding for those who don’t receive a negative test result. As our weekly ultrasounds continued, the cysts in the babies’ brains disappeared and the bleed became less and less. Last week, the doctor said Baby B’s brain now looks entirely normal — there is no sign of a bleed, and they aren’t quite sure if a bleed is what they were seeing in the first place. I do not need to go for the fetal MRI anymore. Baby A’s kidneys are still enlarged, but every doctor I’ve talked with has told me it’s a somewhat common finding in ultrasounds, and we have hopes the kidneys will be normal once the babies are born. God answers prayers.
This experience has changed our minds and our hearts. The seven days we waited for the genetic testing results to come in were the longest seven days of my life. Not knowing what effects the brain bleed had on our baby, or whether it actually was a brain bleed or even something to be concerned about, is hard. Really hard. But it’s all a part of being a parent. You forever open up your heart to a world of unexplainable joy and agonizing pain.
Never, ever, ever take a healthy child for granted. It doesn’t matter what kind of day you had at work, or how tired you may be, or the fact that your to-do list is three pages long, typed. Sometimes it’s hard to see the “good” in parenting when your toddler sits down and screams in the middle of the Target parking lot, or when you’ve woken up at 5 a.m. for the 1,783rd day in a row. But let me be the one to say it again, as all too many parents have realized in the past — health is a gift, not a given. The positive pregnancy test, the text book perfect ultrasounds, the picture perfect baby at birth, the healthy toddler, the cancer-free child, college-bound teenager, and thriving adult — none of it should be taken for granted. The past month has changed both Tommy and I. It has forced us to have the conversations all parents hope to avoid. It has made us look at our daughter, Gracey, in a new light — I see her smile, her bright blue eyes, the way she dances around the living room without a care in the world, how the words just seem to flow off her tongue — she truly is a gift, only here by the grace of God.
I simply wanted to share our experiences in hopes that someone might stumble upon this who’s in a similar situation — I wanted to give those parents reassurance. I also wanted to extend a sincere, heartfelt thank you to our family and friends who continue to be our support system, as well as the incredibly kind clients who’ve just “understood” when it has taken me a week or two longer to process your photos. And above all, we thank God for healing and protecting our babies.
Our boys will be here this winter (most likely, January) — I’m currently about six months along. ♥♥
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