“Oh … my pillow …” I said to Tommy with a pouty, half-frown face as I was about to crawl into bed.
He looked up at me, gave me a smile and shook his head no.
It was my best attempt at getting him to run downstairs and grab my pillow. I had forgotten it on the couch from the night before.
The long, endless, tiring, exhausting, get-up-12-times-with-the-kids night before. Which obviously ended with me sleeping on the couch and the babes in either their swings or rockers. Sometimes the cribs are just not on my side.
I walked down the stairs in search of my pillow. The light was still coming in through the living room windows. It’s a good night, I thought to myself, when I’m going to bed while the sun is still out.
I stepped across crayons and dollies and pacifiers and baby toys and blocks and play food. None of it was put away and nothing was in its place. Chaos, I thought to myself.
And then, for the first time in a long time, I realized it was chaos I will soon miss. Miss so much that my heart will hurt.
Truth is, I hope to never be the woman who smiles adoringly at a new mom and says, “Enjoy every minute, it goes by so quick.” Because you know what, when you’ve gotten four hours of broken sleep in two days and your 2.5 year old has whined to you seven times in four minutes about cereal with no milk and milk with no cereal and old juice boxes and and and … it’s hard to hear the words, “Enjoy it.” Instead, I hope to smile in an understanding, compassionate way. The very same way the little old lady at the dry cleaners looks at me from her peaceful, quiet drive thru window — “Been there, sweetheart. I know those babies are your whole heart and soul. I also know it’s hard.”
Yup, it’s hard. Harder than I ever imagined. But the love is something I never knew my heart could feel.
Once again, I find myself grabbing my camera in hopes of freezing time. No, preserving time. 🙂 The smell of our babies. Putting my face so close to theirs that I hear and feel their breaths. The way I spin in the kitchen with Gracey’s arms tightly wrapped around my neck. The sounds of Tommy giving Gracey her bath. (It’s more like a party.) These are the days of building imaginations, teaching morals, showing love.
Those blue eyes. Three sets of them.
I’m happy to report — since the night I’ve described above, the twins’ sleeping habits have improved drastically. I’d love to talk more about it in a future post, but for now I’ll say this — having twins is nothing like having one baby. It’s been a learning process — feeding, sleeping and adjusting as a family of five. Closing in on 6 months, we’re getting a bit closer to our new norm. 🙂